Once upon a time, in a land far, far away there lived a girl named Bernadette. She was quite innocent, well, if you didn't count her mind. She had a friend named Marcus, and this friend was intent on getting Bernadette to discover her sexuality. aka: he wanted her to masturbate. AWESOME. You could call him a dirty, perverted boy and you would be right. You should love him anyways because he's quite amazing. Well, Bernadette was afraid of this thing called "Masturbation". 1. She was a germaphobe and she didn't want to somehow get an STD by sticking dirty fingers up there. And 2. What was up there?! What would it be like? She had no idea what to expect. So one day during her freshman year of high school, she went home, took a shower (making sure to wash anything and everything that could come into contact with her sexy times), walked to her bedroom (making sure to not touch anything), got into her bed, and dived into her next adventure.
"what the fuck... its all... soft... and wet... and weird. i don't understand. okay, i'm... i'm done. this isn't doing anything for me. grossness."
And I never masturbated again.
The. End.
tehehe. Okay, maybe once or twice.
Peace Out.
<3 Me.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
The Sex Blog
I figure since the name of this blog is "Sexual Misadventures of a College Misfit" I should probably have something about sex in it. I've decided to start from the beginning: Da.... Dum... Da..... Dum... Da Dum Da Dum Da Dum..... The Day I Lost My Virginity.
September 22nd, 2007.
Underwhelming: Pronunciation: \-ˈhwelm, -ˈwelm\
Function: transitive verb
Etymology: under + overwhelm
Date: 1949
: to fail to impress or stimulate
I was looking forward to fireworks, orgasms and black outs. I got.... well, I got a penis in my vagina. Afterwards, I kept on wanting to have more and MORE and MOREEEEE sex. He thought it was because his penis resembled Jesus'. It was mostly because I was thinking it might get better if I kept on trying. It didn't. Ya know the saying the third times the charm? False. Trust me, I tried. Eventually I learned that sex got less boring if I made noises. After this discovery, sex never got boring again. So what if I didn't pay attention to the self-obsessed man above me? My noises and I had a great time. I have since discovered bigger and better penises and boys who know how to use them. But more on that later. After this blog we may go back even further in time... TO MASTURBATION EXPERIENCE #1.
September 22nd, 2007.
Underwhelming: Pronunciation: \-ˈhwelm, -ˈwelm\
Function: transitive verb
Etymology: under + overwhelm
Date: 1949
: to fail to impress or stimulate
I was looking forward to fireworks, orgasms and black outs. I got.... well, I got a penis in my vagina. Afterwards, I kept on wanting to have more and MORE and MOREEEEE sex. He thought it was because his penis resembled Jesus'. It was mostly because I was thinking it might get better if I kept on trying. It didn't. Ya know the saying the third times the charm? False. Trust me, I tried. Eventually I learned that sex got less boring if I made noises. After this discovery, sex never got boring again. So what if I didn't pay attention to the self-obsessed man above me? My noises and I had a great time. I have since discovered bigger and better penises and boys who know how to use them. But more on that later. After this blog we may go back even further in time... TO MASTURBATION EXPERIENCE #1.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
My Life Is Twilight
Hello Peoples.
So today I was reading mylifeisaverage.com and I stumbled across an entry about mylifeistwilight.com. I was vaguely curious about what kind of posts would be on this site. I knew it would be about twilight (duh). However, what I did not know was that not only would I puke a little in my mouth after reading such outrageousness, I would also lose my faith in humanity. There were postings on there FROM GROWN ADULTS:
"You know how kids love to pretend play ? My boys (5 & 6y) & girl (8y) no longer act out Optimus, Megatron & Supergirl roles. I was in my room & overheard them acting out Twilight scenes. Faves of theirs are baseball & Edward/James fight scenes. I have an Alice, an Edward & a Jasper living with me!"
I nearly cried. Optimus and Megatron dominate. Someone needs to take those kids away before they start thinking that only depressive, anti-social girls are attractive.
My favorite part was when some Twiheart messed up the "MLIT" by spelling "MILT". High five for knowing how to abbreviate. I cannot necessarily count it against them however, as all they have to decipher what intelligent writing looks like is written by Stephanie Meyer.
Thats all of my rant for the moment.
Peace Out.
<3 Me.
So today I was reading mylifeisaverage.com and I stumbled across an entry about mylifeistwilight.com. I was vaguely curious about what kind of posts would be on this site. I knew it would be about twilight (duh). However, what I did not know was that not only would I puke a little in my mouth after reading such outrageousness, I would also lose my faith in humanity. There were postings on there FROM GROWN ADULTS:
"You know how kids love to pretend play ? My boys (5 & 6y) & girl (8y) no longer act out Optimus, Megatron & Supergirl roles. I was in my room & overheard them acting out Twilight scenes. Faves of theirs are baseball & Edward/James fight scenes. I have an Alice, an Edward & a Jasper living with me!"
I nearly cried. Optimus and Megatron dominate. Someone needs to take those kids away before they start thinking that only depressive, anti-social girls are attractive.
My favorite part was when some Twiheart messed up the "MLIT" by spelling "MILT". High five for knowing how to abbreviate. I cannot necessarily count it against them however, as all they have to decipher what intelligent writing looks like is written by Stephanie Meyer.
Thats all of my rant for the moment.
Peace Out.
<3 Me.
Hello World.
Dear Reader,
Hey Sexies! My name is Bernadette, Bernie for short. Kind of like Bernie Mac but without the penis and I'm alive. For those of you with a dark sense of humor, high five for laughing. For those of you that don't... I was just trying to make a distinction, deal with it.
I'm a 20 year old average female addicted to facebook and crack cocaine. One of those facts was a lie, you get to choose. I like boys, bad horror movies and books about sex. Yes, I do have Marquis de Sade's "La Philosophie dans la Boudoir" on my bookshelf. You should read it. I'm also in crush with my English Professor. It's hot. My boyfriend is a little jealous.
I'm about to go watch Zombieland because I just found out that Abigail Breslin is in it and she is Legitimate. So I will leave you to your internet porn and facebook obsessions. However, I am warning you, internet porn kills computers. Just ask my Dell. Never again will she open up for amateur porn. That's because she's dead.
Peace Out.
<3 Me.
Hey Sexies! My name is Bernadette, Bernie for short. Kind of like Bernie Mac but without the penis and I'm alive. For those of you with a dark sense of humor, high five for laughing. For those of you that don't... I was just trying to make a distinction, deal with it.
I'm a 20 year old average female addicted to facebook and crack cocaine. One of those facts was a lie, you get to choose. I like boys, bad horror movies and books about sex. Yes, I do have Marquis de Sade's "La Philosophie dans la Boudoir" on my bookshelf. You should read it. I'm also in crush with my English Professor. It's hot. My boyfriend is a little jealous.
I'm about to go watch Zombieland because I just found out that Abigail Breslin is in it and she is Legitimate. So I will leave you to your internet porn and facebook obsessions. However, I am warning you, internet porn kills computers. Just ask my Dell. Never again will she open up for amateur porn. That's because she's dead.
Peace Out.
<3 Me.
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